Nan was stuck in her business, she’d been in the process of recalibrating and reinventing to meet client needs in the new economy and still wasn’t making any progress. She was clear about her personal and professional goals and each coaching call she’d go away with a list of inspired actions only to show up on the next call with nothing or very little accomplished. The one topic we had circled around and not dealt with yet was the real issue: divorcing her business partner. How could she move forward with a new business plan when this partner would be benefitting from her success?

She was hurt, confused and angry and very concerned that any action she would take would be revenge so she was frozen, stuck in the mire, unsure which direction would be the road of integrity and not willing to face the intensity of it.

When I realized what was going on, I walked her through the phases of change (see chart below) so she’d understand the dynamics she was experiencing and could make a decision about what to do next.

The phases of change can be applied to anything in life: a project, an event, something unexpected that happens, a choice you make, a strategic or personal goal, someone else’s choice, processing a regret, etc. And each one will have some variation of the following.

Progress

The initial stage….when you’ve launched a program, gotten pregnant, are building your client base, starting a diet. The actions you take are clear, easy, and you can see the results. You feel good, encouraged and on track: there is progress.

Detour

Detours can happen anytime along the path, but I put them here to show what happens if you don’t embrace them. As you can see from the diagram, the detour drops you into a pothole and you are disoriented, confused, sometimes shocked, even if it was your decision to have a baby, or offer that service. The reality often derails your plans. Because reality is often not what we expect~ especially when a partner you trusted betrays you with unethical decisions and actions. In this stage, your feelings can run from numbness and denial to frustration and anger. Often that surge of anger will propel you up to the next phase…..

Plateau

You’ve climbed out of the detour pit by sheer force of will, have made some progress and are being “strong”. This stage is frustrating and you often rationalize/ruminate: “I’m so stupid for trusting him.” “Why did I choose now to run that program” “Ok, it’ll be ok, just buck up and be positive and move forward” “Just forgive and forget” or bargaining: “I promise I’ll never do xyz again” “If I do abc, maybe that will take care of things” . However, since you didn’t fully face the reality of the detour, or your reaction to it and are forcing the path you thought you should be on, all of those feelings, circumstances, realities you are stuffing or ignoring are pulling you down. No one likes this downward pull. So we resist. Which leads to:

Stuck

Now you feel like you are in bondage, weighed down, unable to see, hear or move. And so disillusioned as you never expected this. We expect to go from progress to victory (as shown on the chart by the dotted line) but that isn’t real life. Most people think the valley is the worst place (hence the avoidance noted above) but this is really the worst place to be: enslaved. This is when people usually call for a coach….which is great as I love to walk people into the…..

Valley

Oh, I can hear the agony now! No one likes this phase and yet it is the most beautiful. The valley is the door to: truth, freedom, forgiveness, clarity, direction, confidence, energy, opportunity, your core…..and so much more!

Of course that is after you’ve dealt with reality: the circumstances, the people and the feelings. You must feel the anger, fear, hurt, confusion, jealously, lust, sadness~ whatever it is. This can be a dark and lonely place for the more intense issues or uncomfortable for the less intense.

Sometimes it’s the unknown that pulls you into the valley. I go through the valley every time I create something new….and I’ve come to embrace the frustration, wrestling and sleepless nights of this phase because I know by experience that the revelation is there. And when it shows up:

Power Burst

This phase is really fun. Though you may experience some residual emotions and may be on shaky colt legs it is really phenomenal to watch the massive productivity that happens here.

Nan saw this first-hand. When she let me walk her into the valley she faced her pain and anger over the injustice of her partner’s actions. The intensity of how she felt scared her, she wasn’t sure she could trust herself with those kind of emotions….and yet when she allowed herself to feel them, express them in healthy ways (e.g. exercise, throwing pillows, crying, journaling [in other words, not hurting herself or anyone else]), and listen for their message……she found the capacity, clarity and confidence to take action.

Untangling the mess in the valley is time consuming yet worth it ~ for the sake of Nan’s (and your) well-being and for the sake of her family and business as you will see in…..

Test, Recalibrate, Celebrate

As I said above, you come out of the valley in a burst of productivity and are often are on shaky colt legs….this stage of the game is for testing. Testing out your new legs. In other words your new ideas, new actions, new solutions, new direction, new tools, new beliefs, new…….

In the testing you will learn what works and what doesn’t, sort through any residuals from the valley and recalibrate accordingly. Continue testing and gathering evidence for these new approaches while celebrating the learnings and accomplishments! On the graph the line to victory is a wavy one. That is due to this process: you will hit plateaus, detours and valleys and you need not get stuck if you understand these dynamics and apply the principles.

I cannot overemphasize this phase enough. You must be willing to test and learn, to gather evidence, face reality and recalibrate AND to celebrate; even incremental success. Celebration is a vital part of progress and the integration that sustains your achievements and transformations over the long term as you make…

Steady Progress

This stage for many of you will appear to be draining, taking too much time and boring.

Not true….as you can see from the placement of this phase on the graph, you are sooooo close to victory. And while it may take a day or 3 years to reach your goals, steady progress, like celebration is an important piece. This is where integration happens and all that you’ve learned becomes second nature, even applying these principles. This allows you to live in the moment, fully and freely with all of the resources you need available to you as you climb to….

Victory

Your vision, your ideal life, your business running itself so you can enjoy your life and your family. You will also have victories along the way….progress, movement to plateau and power burst are the obvious ones and if you look more closely there are victories in detour, stuck and the valley too.

In the end, victory is not a destination, it is a lifestyle. Living a victorious life means embracing all of life. Don’t be afraid of the detours, valleys, the unexpected or the unknown~ surrender~ so that you might live.

Nan did…….surrender that is and she found peace, productivity, creativity and new opportunities on the other side of the door. Her business is slowly building again as she enjoys her family and this newfound freedom.